After All This Time? [Solo]

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[attr="class","manalishiltop2"]I wish I could stop loving you 

[attr="class","manalishiltop3"]so that I could free myself of the pain of you not being able to love me back.

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Severus Snape was used to being called to the Headmaster’s Office on occasion, but usually he knew what it was about. Usually it was about Voldemort and his role in everything as a triple agent. However, they had that meeting at the beginning of the year already. As far as he knew, nothing had changed at this point.
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With the swish of his robes he gave the password to the statue and made his way up the stairs that appeared with a brisk pace. He had plans he needed to finish for tomorrow. His weekly meetings with a certain Gryffindor had been wonderful, and he was planning to make things as special as he could – especially since they couldn’t meet very often as it was given their positions. However, he understood that his mission with Dumbledore was more important than solidifying some plans he could just implement the next week.
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Upon entering the office, Severus stopped a few feet away from the desk, just after the stairs in the middle of the office. His eyes had met with the headmaster’s and the older man smiled at him. Severus didn’t respond in kind – his smiles were reserved for when he was happy, not when he was being called in to his boss’s office for some reason he couldn’t think of at the current moment.
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“Take a seat, Severus,” Dumbledore said gesturing to one of the seats in front of his desk. Severus simply sat down, his eyes not moving from the headmaster. There was absolutely no indication, but Severus was worried. Perhaps it was about his relationship with Rose. He had said it was alright in the hospital wing the week before, but maybe that was just a lie for Remus’s benefit. Then that begged the question: why did he wait so long to call this meeting?
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“As you know, several members of the Order have taken positions here at Hogwarts in order to find an object that will help defeat Voldemort,” Dumbledore began, “However, I have another task for you in addition to finding the object. Reports are coming in that Voldemort knows about several of our operations – though luckily, he has yet to find out about our goals here. I suspect there is a mole in our midst. A traitor.”
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“And you think it might be me?” Severus asked bitterly, looking to the side. He knew that he was going to be treated with distrust by the members of the Order, but he thought he had proved his loyalty to Dumbledore. However, from the look in the wizard’s eyes, Severus quickly realized that his assumption was wrong.
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“No, I don’t believe so. However, I think you would be the best man for the job to figure out who it is,” Dumbledore replied with a small nod, “You are uniquely positioned to convince the traitor you are on their side.”
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Severus nodded. Of course, it did make sense. However, it was curious to Severus to think of a traitor within the Order. Everyone seemed very loyal – but then again, to the Death Eaters, he seemed to be one of the most loyal. That was his task – he had to find the Severus Snape of the Order.
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“Regardless of your task, I want to ask you of something else,” Oh no, here it came. Severus was sure it was going to be about Rose. “Do you still love Lily?” Oh. Well that was close. Severus bit his lower lip and quickly stood up.
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“Of course I do.” It was an instantaneous action, as if obvious. Dumbledore watched him as if waiting for him to continue. “Do you really need proof? Again?” Severus shook his head, quickly pulling out his wand and casting his patronus. However, much to his surprise, a doe didn’t form. The surprise was shown on his face, which rarely happened when he was around Dumbledore, his patronus in the form of a she-wolf. His jaw dropped slightly, and Dumbledore watched on with amusement.
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“It seems your heart’s allegiance has changed,” Dumbledore said with a small chuckle, “However, I do not believe that this change will affect… anything.”
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Severus just stood there for a few moments thinking over this change – while he knew he loved Rose, he didn’t think that it would eclipse his longing for someone he couldn’t have – and yet here was the proof. To be quite honest, he hadn’t thought about Lily in quite some time, though he still cared very much for her. He wanted to make her happy – he wanted to see her smile – he wanted the best for her. However, he had realized he didn’t want to be with her. His love for her had evolved from wanting to be with her, to just wanting her to be happy without him.
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Severus swallowed and looked to Dumbledore. “Is there anything else you need? Or are you quite done evaluating my heart?”
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“Just one more thing,” Dumbledore replied with a small frown, “During the coming winter break, I want you to go to Voldemort. There are some rumors among the Death Eaters your loyalty isn’t… just to Voldemort. Your position is one of great importance, but Voldemort is also intelligent enough to know if you run to him immediately and possibly risk your position as a ‘spy for him’, it would decrease your credibility. I want you to keep communication with the Order during that time to the absolute least possible.”
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Severus nodded, stone-faced. There went his plans to spend this Christmas with Rose. He wondered if it were to be possible to do both – after all, Rose was not a member of the Order, even if her brother was. He would have to think through the different possibilities. He knew he couldn’t risk his position, but he also wanted to spend their first Christmas as a couple… well, together.
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“Understood. I will be taking my leave now,” Severus said quickly whooshing around, his robes flowing in the air as he did and headed towards the door. As soon as he left the only thing he could think about was Rose. He wondered if he should show her the new-found knowledge of his patronus. And perhaps if Remus saw it, he would understand finally.

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