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Post by Remus John Lupin on Aug 30, 2018 2:30:18 GMT
i will break the spell you put on me | everywhere i go, i am spellbound; you cannot have this control on me | 357 words  commentary | It takes a lot to make a grown man seek the warmth and guidance of his parents. Especially when their last meeting had been of the son yelling at both of his parents and telling them how bad they were at, well, being parents. However, Remus couldn’t stand it anymore. He felt so alone. He needed someone, something to hold onto, and right now Rose was angry at him and rightfully so. He didn’t feel like he could go to Dora – she was likely still angry at him as well.
Normally in situations like this he would go to his friends, but this had gone beyond that. He needed two people specifically. It just wouldn’t work with anyone else. Sucking up his pride, he had walked to Hogsmeade this Saturday evening and with a turn on the spot, he popped out of the small village and arrived in front of a familiar house. His heart was pounding – he didn’t know if he could do this. Would they still accept him? He had sent them a letter after his encounter with Rose, but that had been the only contact he had with them in years. Ever since… well that day.
He managed to force his feet to move, despite his ankles still being quite sore from the duel earlier in the week, his face still healing up – he couldn’t help but wonder if Rose had written to them about what happened and if not, what they would think happened to him. Nearly falling after his ankle had slipped to the side due to the weakness of them, he caught himself quickly. He looked at the door now right in front of him, and after what seemed like years, but in reality, was only a couple of minutes he knocked on the door.
Now his chest felt like it was going to explode even more. He could just apparate away. He had just moments to decide, but his feet stayed planted firmly on the ground.
The instant the door opened, Remus had flung his arms around whichever parent had greeted him. “I – I – can I have some hot chocolate?”
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Post by Rose Ameile Lupin on Aug 30, 2018 2:43:13 GMT
The last week has been a bit of a whirlwind in the Lupin home. What with their daughter coming home to inform them that she had fallen in love... and who it was with. Also, a very brief letter explaining Remus' actions to such a development.
Ameile found herself sighing, looking out the window above the sink in the kitchen.
It was... almost normal. The Lupin household wasn't keen on normal. Normally it was full of stress because of the lycanthropy. But Her daughter and stepson worrying over Severus Snape?
It was comically trivial!
Course, it wasn't all trivial. Remus' harsh reaction to Rose wasn't ideal. But even she could understand why he acted in such a way not that it was an excuse, of course.
So when the door knocked and Remus' arms flung around her when she opened it, she was more than surprised.
"Remus?" she said, eyes blinking and hands coming up to rest on his shoulders.
"Of course you can, love. Sit, and I'll make you some."
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Post by Remus John Lupin on Aug 30, 2018 3:02:41 GMT
i will break the spell you put on me | everywhere i go, i am spellbound; you cannot have this control on me | 174 words commentary | He sniffed, hearing his stepmother’s voice – and well, given the height of the person he had hugged, he had pretty much known right away it was her despite not even waiting to see who had answered the door. Boy that would be awkward if they had moved and he didn’t realize it.
Quickly pulling away from the hug he looked into her eyes, a look of worry and hurt mixed together before he nodded, sniffing again and looking for a seat real fast. He took a seat in the sitting room and quickly conjured himself up a blanket.
Yes, it was the middle of September, but regardless, for some reason he had felt very cold lately. Perhaps it had something to do with his mental state or the fact he was healing from some major injuries.
When Amelie came back with the requested beverage he took it, and took a sip out of it, curling his feet up onto the chair with him. “I’m sorry to intrude. I – I just – I needed to come.”
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Post by Rose Ameile Lupin on Aug 30, 2018 3:53:48 GMT
Ameile joined him in the sitting room, handing him the hot chocolate and sitting down next to him, making sure he was tucked in under the blanket.
She shook her head. "It's no intrusion at all. I'm glad to get to see you."
She put a hand to his knee. "Sorry your father isn't here at the moment, he got pulled away to work. But I'm more than willing to listen to what's going on."
Though she had a sliver of an idea already, giving the look of worry and hurt that had shone in his eyes a moment ago.
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Post by Remus John Lupin on Aug 31, 2018 1:47:42 GMT
i will break the spell you put on me | everywhere i go, i am spellbound; you cannot have this control on me | 261 words commentary | His eyes dropped to his knee. Remember. The way to resist the charm, Remus. He nodded and took a sip of the hot chocolate. Sniffing he looked at her, wondering exactly how he would phrase this without sounding like a juvenile. He wasn’t used to dealing with things like this – the only social interaction he had was with the Order and those were people he was with almost every day!
“I – I know I haven’t been a good son, and our parting before wasn’t… ideal,” Remus stared at his hot chocolate while he spoke, unable to muster the courage up when he was looking at her.
“I’m sure Rose has told you about her new boyfriend. And how much I’ve screwed up with her. I haven’t – I know I haven’t been a part of her life for a while – I stopped writing, barely ever contacting her. What right do I have to question her decisions? Sh-She’s not a child anymore, but I can’t –“
He let out a shaky breath and took another quick sip of the beverage, allowing the heat to slide down his throat and soothe the tensed muscles. “I can’t stop thinking that he’ll hurt her. It’s been years since we were at school, and I should be grown up enough to realize he’s likely changed and no longer the boy I knew. But –“ He swallowed. “What if he is? What if she’s been tricked? I don’t want to take that chance, but – but I think I’ve lost her. I screwed up so badly. She hates me.”
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Post by Rose Ameile Lupin on Aug 31, 2018 2:17:11 GMT
Ameile let him speak, her gaze on him soft, and she patted his knee and moved away.
"First of all, you've made her angry. Yes, but nothing you'll ever do will make her hate you. She loves you and she wanted your support. She's well aware of the history you and Severus have, so she's not wishing the two of you will suddenly drop it all and become friends. She knows that isn't possible. She also knows that you're going to be watching her like a hawk.
No, you made the bad decision of not writing to her, to attempt to push her out of your life, yes, but she didn't hold that against you. She knows how your self-protection mechanisms work, Remus. She knows that it's something you can't just stop doing either.
She told you first because you're her protector. Better than I or your father could ever be. Her telling us was only courtesy; you knowing was her responsibility. She holds your thoughts and opinions at such a high value, higher than her own parents.
From what I understand, she is pursuing him; and while I do realize it seems like it's coming from out of the blue, given she hasn't spoken of any sort of interest before. It also seems like it's something that's been building in the background. Love tends to strike us when we're least expecting it. Why it waited until now to make itself known to Rose? Who knows.
And as for if she's being tricked, of he's using her, you will just have to let Rose do her thing. You know as well as I do she is intelligent, and will, at any sign of dishonesty, will raise hell."
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Post by Remus John Lupin on Sept 2, 2018 17:19:11 GMT
i will break the spell you put on me | everywhere i go, i am spellbound; you cannot have this control on me | 226 words commentary | Even though he knew it, man it was just a little bit awkward given she was married to his father and he forgot how to resist her charm a little bit. Just think about Dora – oh wait no, that wasn’t any good. His face turned a deep red just thinking about the metamorphagus. Now stop that. Focus on the current conversation – that was how he resisted the charm before, it just had been so long.
“I know how it can… come out of nowhere. I don’t know how to – to be supportive like she is. She’s – she keeps pushing me towards – towards happiness. I don’t know how to – to – I’ve always had my friends. But, I’ve never thought I could ever – That people like me could ever be in a relationship like that. At least not with someone… who wasn’t like us.”
He bit his lower lip, his scars on his face stinging slightly – not the ones from Snape, the ones from before. “We’re – We’re very – people don’t tend to accept people like us. And even if they do, why would anyone want to – to doom themselves to that existence forever. With friends, they can just leave – they don’t have to promise forever. How could anyone – anyone fall in love with people like us? How could anyone be fine with – with dooming themselves to our curse?”
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Post by Rose Ameile Lupin on Sept 3, 2018 1:39:12 GMT
A slow smile came over Ameile's face.
"The World is full of wonder, Remus and full of wonderful people. Maybe that Tonks' girl falling into Rose's arms wasn't just for her, but for you too."
She reached out to thread her hand through Remus' hair, still smiling softly. "Love is not dooming yourself to someone, sweetheart, regardless of what that person is.
Werewolf, former Death Eater; what have you.
Take me for example; my very existance create a false love, and it takes people a very long time to discern what their real feelings are. Your father was one of the lucky ones who was immune, or at least kept a clear head and just found the invoked feelings a good side effect."
Suddenly her face contorts to one of worry. "Though... that does bring up a thought I had been wondering about for a moment."
She paused a moment. "Given Rose's track record... and having Tonks there to protect her. I haven't necessarily told her about her... other attribute?"
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Post by Remus John Lupin on Sept 4, 2018 3:35:06 GMT
i will break the spell you put on me | everywhere i go, i am spellbound; you cannot have this control on me | 268 words commentary | He let out a shaky breath staring at his hot chocolate and taking another sip of the sweet drink. He felt like a little kid again, talking to his mother while he was curled up in a blanket and drinking hot chocolate.
“Rose is a better person than I could ever be. I’m selfish. Everything I do is to make myself feel better. How could I live knowing I allowed someone else to share the stigma of my condition? Amelie – Mum – I – You might not think its dooming myself to someone, but it is. They have to deal with me, no matter what. I’m not a good person.”
He bit his lower lip and looked at her for a moment, and then quickly looked away again, her charm having been just a tad hard to resist given the fact he had been away for so long – that and he wasn’t related by blood like he had been with Rose. “It’s different. You and me. How could my condition ever bring good side effects? All it could bring is suffering, worry, pain. That’s all it brings me. That’s all it brings my friends. That’s all it ever brought you and Father.”
For a moment, he studied his hot chocolate and then looked at Amelie incredulously, almost jumping up from his seat, but luckily it was only almost. However, his mouth hung open. “You haven’t – How – what do you think you’ve been doing to her?! She deserves to know – oh Merlin, does Severus know? Even if he does – what if – what if all of this is just because of that?”
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Post by Rose Ameile Lupin on Sept 4, 2018 4:03:09 GMT
Amelie gave Remus a sad smile, "I never approved of the way your father brought you up. Teaching you those toxic things."
She sighed, "They way he used you as well."
Every part of her wanted to bring him in for a hug, but she knew that it had been a while, and her charm was rather potent. While Rose's was diluted and was most effective when she was feeling strongly emotional in a certain way. Her's was a constant sort of thing.
"It breaks my heart, the damage he's done to your mind, your soul, your perspective of yourself. You're not a bad person Remus."
She reached out, taking his chin, forcing him to look her in the eye. "You're a charming, funny, and wonderful man that I'm proud to call my son. Even though we're not related by blood. Your father was wrong in his treatment of you when you were a child and I know there's no way to erase it, but he regrets it. Even if we didn't have the potion, there was no way I would have let him treat Rose in such a way. You don't bring us pain and suffering, and we worry because we love you, deeply, Remus. Rose included, you know how she worries about you. You know how deeply it affected her when you stopped writing. But it's all because we love you."
She releases his chin, breaking the connection and sitting back.
"It hadn't been an issue until now. I meant to tell her when she was here but she looked so happy. How could I tell her that because of something she was born with could've made this all fake? She would be heartbroken!"
Amelie looked stricken. "It would be best to let it just play out, let her notice if there's something strange. She's a smart girl. If Severus starts acting too out of character, I'm sure she'll know."
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Post by Remus John Lupin on Sept 12, 2018 21:12:47 GMT
i will break the spell you put on me | everywhere i go, i am spellbound; you cannot have this control on me | 683 words commentary | Remus covered his face with the blanket, as if trying to hide away from her, tears starting to form in his eyes. He didn’t want her to see him acting so weak. After all, he’d been through so much and didn’t shed a single tear, but with someone telling him he was worthwhile? That he was a good person? That made him want to cry more than everyone telling him the opposite. What was wrong with him?
“You’re wrong. I deserved everything. I’m a monster. I can’t – Everything I’ve done has been to try to prove that I’m not – but – but its just denying what I am. This… beast inside of me. It’s terrible and cruel and while – while I have gotten access to the potion finally, before that, I lost control. I could be a murderer and not even realize it!” He took in several deep breaths, lowering the blanket and looks at her. “I don’t belong with humans. I don’t belong with werewolves. I don’t belong anywhere. The closest place I’ve ever felt… welcome was with the Order. Even then, I can tell…” He shakes his head and runs both his hands through his hair.
“Why did he have to say it? Why couldn’t he have left well enough alone – or – or followed him instead of publicly denouncing the creature that could easily kill or hurt him? Why did I get punished for his mistakes?” Remus hadn’t ever voiced this part of his mind. It was something he had pushed down deep as he felt it was just complaining about that which he couldn’t change. But there was that part of him that wishes – that wishes he was never born. Or that it was his father who died and not his mother – or that Greyback changed his dad and not him.
It was selfish, but there was so much pain – so much hurt he had been brought because of all of this. He hated what he was – he hated everything about himself. He was a selfish… dog who continually denied what he was and tried to play human to the point the other dogs didn’t want to play with him. He didn’t want to be Remus Lupin. He wanted to be normal. He wanted not to constantly feel scared people would dislike him. He wanted not to feel lesser. He wanted to be an equal to everyone around him. And yet, he still viewed himself as lesser, even if some people around him said otherwise.
“You shouldn’t love me. You shouldn’t feel upset because I’m hurt because – because I’ll always be hurt. I’ll always be treated like a pariah. Even if things get better – I – I – I can’t just forget how things were. I can’t just… forget about it. I can’t forget being a failure to my father. I can’t forget that look he gave me not long after I was turned – or the face people usually make when they first learn what I am. Every magical person has it – though obviously a lot of people don’t realize it – that look of disgust for just a split second.” Or it was all in his head. Whatever the case, he still thought it was real. “I just want to belong… somewhere. James, Sirius, Lily – I – I love them, but I know that after this war – I’d just drag them down. I drag you down. Father. Dora. Rose even. I don’t want to drag her down too. I don’t want to ruin this life she’s built for herself despite everything. I just –“
He took in a deep breath. “Sometimes I hope when I go on a mission, this one will do me in. I’ll be able to make my life worth something – die saving someone or helping win this war… It hurts, Mum, it hurts to live.”
Remus gazed at her, trying to come to terms with what he thought was right and what she thought was right, which were two very different things. Compromise… “Severus deserves to know at least, so he can work to combat it if he wants to.”
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Post by Rose Ameile Lupin on Sept 12, 2018 23:24:45 GMT
Ameile sat silent, listening to Remus as... well, it seemed like this was the first time that he'd talked about any of this. She kept her face controlled, wondering why he had bottled all this up.
No, she knew why he bottled all this up, it was because of his father and while Ameile knew that Lyall felt guilt and responsibility for everything now, there was much more to it. Remus had experienced the worst of it.
She couldn't stop herself. Hearing him call her 'Mum' in the tone he had, was heart-wrenching. It had been a long time since he had called her that and now, in this tone, in this situation...
Tamping down on her charm as much as she possibly could, she moved, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him towards her, tucking his head under her chin and threading her fingers through his hair at the back of his head. She sat there for a few moments, silent, her words caught in her throat.
She was heartbroken, this brilliant man was broken and so many things had happened, none of them being repaired at all. She held him, wishing that it would be enough, but she knew it wouldn't be enough.
She also knew he wouldn't want pity. But it hurt, it hurt to see him hurting, and the mother in her just wanted to do all she could to take it all away. Part of her was disgruntled as to why Hope didn't stand up to Lyall for all of this. To see what was happening to her child. Her grip on Remus tightened and she pressed a kiss to his hair.
"I am a mother, I may not be the one who birthed you, but I am your mother. And I do love you and I do feel upset that you're hurting. Because you shouldn't be."
Her free hand was running up and down his back in a soothing motion.
"I can't defend your father, nor make excuses for his actions, Remus. All I know, is that he feels regret for it now. But I also do know that it isn't enough. It's not enough to reverse or take away what it's done to you.
What we can do, is move forward and in moving forward, I think you'll find that there are more people out there that want to be around you. That want to be your friend. That accept you for who you are, everything included.
I'll keep saying it, Remus. You're not a monster and you don't deserve the prejudice. "
She swallowed thickly, still holding onto him.
"Where you belong doesn't have to be one or the other. You can build that for yourself, build it with the people you want. Build it with the people who want to be around you. You started with James, Sirius, Peter and Lily and now you have Rose and Tonks. The sad thing about the world, is yes, not everyone will accept you, but you shouldn't care about that. Just care about the people who do accept you.
And you won't bring them down. James, Sirius and Peter wouldn't have gone through what they had just to abandon you later for it. They knew what they were doing when they made those decisions; they were trying to make it easier for you to accept their friendship and their love as well.
As for Rose, I know she puts up a brave front, but she faces the same prejudices you do. She works to ignore it and she's done so well to keep it under wraps, but even she knows it's no way to live. Eventually, it will come out and she's building her circle just as you had begun to do, to make sure she has people to fall back on when the world turns against her too.
Her choices may have been... interesting, but she's doing what she thinks will be best. And she wants you there with her.
I think, if you'll give it the chance, Remus, you'll find that what you're looking for, is right in front of you. You long to belong, to be wanted, to be loved and you have so many people around you who want to do just that. If you'll just allow them to do so, I think you'll find it a little easier to live."
She finally releases him, "I know that... there's no way for me, or your father to understand completely, or, really, at all. But I think, you and Rose should sit down and have a chat. She wants to bond with you so badly, you and her share this. The way she's handled it is different from the way you were forced to, but I think you'll find she holds a lot of the same concerns and fears. The two of you should be there for each other, I think it'll be good for the both of you. I know she won't feel like you're bringing her down. She wants to be your sister, Remus."
She runs her hand through his greying hair, frowning for a moment. He was still so young but the world had just been so cruel.
"I can concede with that," she replied nodding. "Even if he wasn't ever told, Severus strikes me as the type of person who would realize something was amiss rather quickly. Since I'm sure they don't spend every waking moment together. So there'll be a time for him to reflect and see if it's real or not for him. If he hasn't figured it out already. It'll be easier for him since the charm for her is diluted. So any feelings stronger than a base attraction will be alot clearer for him."
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Post by Remus John Lupin on Sept 13, 2018 1:44:33 GMT
i will break the spell you put on me | everywhere i go, i am spellbound; you cannot have this control on me | words commentary | His hands were shaking and when she hugged him, he wrapped his arms around her back tightly, his mug hitting the floor and spilling the little bit of hot chocolate he had left. Despite his shoes getting wet, he just hugged her tightly, tears spilling down his face and wetting her shoulder. This was what he needed. The words were great – fantastic. He needed to hear these things, but the hug, the physical touch associated with it just hit it home. It gave him something concrete to latch onto instead of just abstract words.
“I – I know I have to keep moving forward – I – that’s why – you’re the first person I’ve told this to. I didn’t – I didn’t want to seem… selfish. But – I can’t help but feel… angry and upset… and scared all the time. B-Before she died, my mum – she tried very hard, but Father kept telling her she didn’t understand because she didn’t grow up around these concepts. She – She was the only reason I was allowed at Hogwarts – other than Dumbledore, of course. She stopped Father from using me to find others like me to lock them up.”
He pulled out of the hug and looked right in her eyes. “They just wanted to live. They just wanted to be happy. And I took that away from them. Because I existed. I’m sure Father told you about the time I ran. And how he locked away those I had stayed with. Every single one of them had stories – they all had family and friends – people they loved. And now they’re in prison. Just for being like me. Do you know how that feels? To know if anyone found out – if word got out of what you were, you could be locked away in prison? And if you weren’t you would be unable to provide for yourself, to get a job, to do anything.”
His breath is shaky, and he quickly stands up to clean up his mug that he had dropped earlier and holds the broken pieces in his hand, using his wand to clean up the hot chocolate that had spilled onto the ground. The oddest feeling swept over him. He almost felt like kin to this broken mug. Once full of something wonderful, but now empty and broken and just wanting to be whole again. To have a purpose.
“If I argue with my friends? If I push them away – make them angry, anyone who knows, not just my friends – they could destroy my life. And the life of every single one of you with it. I’m sure – I’m sure You-Know-Who knows and he’s just waiting until the perfect time to leak it. The perfect time to use my condition against me and the entirety of the Order.”
He swallowed trying to even out his voice, using his wand to repair the mug and set it down on a nearby table. He was now on his feet and he looked like he was about to fall from the weight on his shoulders. “I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to hurt others and I don’t want to hurt inside. But – no matter what I do, even if I try my best, I hurt everyone around me because of this beast inside of me. She might want to be my sister, but I – I’m not a good brother. Nor will I ever be one.”
Allowing the Snape conversation to drop only because he nodded in agreement as what she said made sense, and he would take that into consideration as time went on, he stared at her, his hands shaking at his sides, no matter what, not being willed to stop shaking.
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